After living in my religious Community for only two weeks, I had turned away from my vocation. Although becoming a religious sister was the greatest aspiration in my life, I was trapped in an awful state of doubt and confusion within my vocation. I was tensed between consecrating my life in that Community or others Community. The day I said goodbye to the Community, and went back to my family was the day that changed my life, because I learned a priceless lesson about a new perspective on religious life.
When I was a child, I wanted to become a religious sister for the very simple reason that I wanted to get away from farming. I was born in a peasant family in the middle of Vietnam. I had to work very hard every day to help my parents. In order to increase income, my family not only grew much rice, corn, and vegetables but also raised chickens, pigs, ducks, etc. Working at the farm and field made me tired. At that time, I thought if I became a religious sister, I will not have to do this work anymore. This thinking haunted me day and night. With so much time to spare, I decided to look for a Community.
At the age of eighteen, after finishing high school, I entered a Community named Our Lady of Visitation in the North of Vietnam. However, I felt desperate immediately the first day. The Community had the same work as my family, and they had much more work than my family had. What can I do now? How can I live in this Community? I was so naive about religious life. I thought that all religious Sisters just spent their time praying and helping people, but I was wrong.
My teenager hope vanished like a bubble. Neither praying to God nor listening to my superior’s advice, I got out of the Community after living with them for two weeks. That day, it was raining cats and dogs. On the last train that day, I went back to my family with a very sad heart and the steps stumbling like a person who has no energy. It took me seven hours by train to get back to my home. While I was seating on the train, I came up with plenty of theological questions: Why did I want to become a religious sister? What is the reason for my vocation? How much do I love Jesus? How can I choose between the Lord and the work of the Lord? Do other Communities have to work like that?
After long hours of meditation on the train, I suddenly awakened from dark days. In the depths of my soul, I realized that the reason for my despair was that I saw religious life from a narrow and selfish place. I cared about myself too much without care about God and others. I was seeking myself instead of seeking God. I deeply regretted my mistake. At that moment, I felt God loved me so much. He did everything for me. He died for me. “Now, how can I repay you, my Lord?” I asked. Immediately, I heard a strong voice in my conscience. The voice strongly prompted me to return to the Community, and I could not resist that invitation. It is very difficult to describe my feeling at that moment, but I believe that God was with me. He was speaking to me. He had opened my heart, my mind and my soul. He had made my vocation reborn in the faith. As a result, after returning to my family for three days, I made a phone call to my superior in order to ask her to accept me back into the Community, and she was very happy to welcome me back.
“You duped me, O Lord, and I let myself be duped; You were too strong for me, and You triumphed” (Jer 20:7). Indeed, The Lord has seduced me, and He seduced me by His love. How could I refuse His love? He has come into my life, and He has made my life different. Therefore, from looking for a Community with the very naive perspective of a child, I have learned a priceless lesson about religious life. My purpose in religious life is no longer to seek a comfortable life nor to be selfish, but a higher ideal. I offer my life to God in order to honor my Lord, sanctify myself, and to help others. Eighteen years have passed; I became a religious sister in the Congregation of Our Lady of Visitation. I never forget my feelings that day that I left my Community, which made me change my vision of religious life. That day made a deep impression on me, because I have recognized God’s plan for me, and I decided to come back to my Community to dedicate my life to Him, without alternative purpose, except love.
Sr. Agnes